3   Genezen van angst

Sirenesblog 3

Het leven is een weg vol obstakels, die ons niet alleen treffen op pijnplekken in dit leven, maar zo ook  “oude stukken” uit vorige levens beroeren. Dikwijls zien we dat een pijnervaring in het leven van nu al een diepe gelijksoortige wortel heeft in voorgaande leven(s). Sommige mensen zijn verbitterd door de diepe pijn die zo’n ervaring in dit leven er nog eens extra aan toevoegt. Echter, de transformatie van zo’n blokkade in dit leven, door middel van psychotherapie bijvoorbeeld, “neemt” zo’n diepliggende pijn dikwijls geheel of gedeeltelijk met zich mee. Dan wordt  het ons pas later duidelijk door ons vernieuwde inzicht waarom we deze zware pijnlijke ervaringen toen “op de hals gehaald hebben”.

Vanuit dit standpunt bekeken kunnen we misschien onze wrok naar ouders, leerkrachten, of naar het leven zelf, loslaten.

Zo heb ik in mijn leven veel te maken gehad met ongelukken.

Ik werd in de oorlog geboren en toen ik acht jaar was, kreeg mijn vader, door een omgeluk, een dwarslaesie. Ik zal nooit vergeten hoe onze sterke vader, die ochtend, eenzijdig verlamd de trap afkroop en enkele uren later met loeiende sirenes naar het ziekenhuis vervoerd werd.

Drie jaar later verongelukte ons driejarig broertje, dodelijk, pal voor de deur: weer loeiende sirenes.

Een week daarna: weer de sirenes van de ziekenauto, die mijn moeder in levensgevaar naar het ziekenhuis bracht. Gelukkig bleef zij in leven.

Enkele jaren later bleek een toen tienjarig zusje een zo’n ernstige leverziekte te hebben dat zij met loeiende sirene…..

Vijf jaren na dit voorval zat ik in een bus, die op het nippertje stopte voor een ziekenauto, waarin, naar achteraf bleek, een dertienjarig zusje, na een zwaar ongeval, vervoerd werd. Niet veel later zat ik in een politiewagen die met loeiende sirenes mij naar haar in het ziekenhuis bracht.

Weer enkele maanden later stopte, met loeiende sirenes, een politieauto voor de deur om de boodschap te brengen dat een broer een ongeluk overkomen was.

Tot slot heeft mijn dochter vijf maal een zware hersenschudding gehad, waarbij zij eenmaal, met een schedelfractuur, met spoed en loeiende sirenes….

Is het erg verwonderlijk dat ik bij het horen van een sirene door blinde angst overvallen werd? Dat zweet en tranen over mijn gezicht stroomden en ik handenwringend afwachtte of deze onheilsbode ook nu weer voor mij bedoeld was?

Angst.

Blinde, onberedeneerde angst, die me soms de fiets deed nemen om snikkend de buurt af te zoeken, naar mijn kinderen of die me een andere keer deed opbellen naar de politie of het ziekenhuis. Je kon immers niet weten!

Tot op zekere dag, toen ik weer trillend op mijn fiets zat, ik de kracht had mijn gevoelens tot bedaren te brengen. In mij klonk een stem: “Lijd niet door lijden, dat niet voor u is bedoeld”. Deze zin bleef zich een aantal keren herhalen.

De kolk van emoties kwam tot rust. Ik keerde naar huis terug.

Elke keer als ik nadien een sirene hoorde (en dat was dikwijls het geval, omdat ik vlak bij een brandweerkazerne werkte (toeval?)) herhaalde ik in mezelf deze zin. En liet ik de trillingen gewoon toe.

Na enkele weken kreeg ik bij het horen van een sirene alleen nog maar een schok en weer veel later hoefde ik de zin niet meer te herhalen. Zo groeide langzaam maar zeker het vertrouwen in mij dat datgene wat op mijn pad komt ook voor mij bedoeld is.

Met de transformatie van deze angst zijn vele andere angsten ook verdwenen; angst voor ziekte en zorgen, voor geesten, voor het leven; voor de dood.

Of is alle angst uiteindelijk doodsangst?

Al deze aangrijpende ervaringen van lijden waren nodig om me zo tot wanhoop te brengen, dat ik vanaf de bodem de kracht in mezelf moest vrijmaken om me er van te verlossen.

Hierdoor kon ik mezelf genezen van angst.

Anna Lamb-Janssen

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